reverse engineering ... my life

Or should I say I'm R.E-verse engineering my life?

Here's the scoop:
So I was a computer guy (IT) for 9 years in corp america. I was never responsible for hurting anyone, directly, b/c I worked for a sorta benign corp. Kinda like a benign tumor or cyst -- didn't kill anyone directly, but clearly a part of the cancer eating up America and the world.

Now I 'm a freelance video producer. I've got some work up online and have actually made some $$ shooting some stuff -- but I'm not making anything near what I made before.

Where's the problem? I think it's in my mindset.

As a computer guy, at my peak I pulled in a fat paycheck of $6k/mo. I hated my job, hated what I did every day, didn't like the infrastructure or the people, and felt that if I continued longer I'd come down with a horrible disease of my subconscious' own making.

Now I get paid less than I ever got paid per hour-- b/c I don't know what I'm doing, or b/c I undercharge b/c I may not know what I'm doing -- and I'm living on savings + unemployment + misc income. However, I have a reasonable chance of having SOMETHING I work on make a lot of money -- potentially $50k or so -- which could equal a little over 7 mo's of work at the corp job... So how can I turn my back on that?!??!

And the craziest part is I'm very, very happy. It took awhile to get used to the idea of my life potentially being like this for an indefinite length of time. But I could handle it.

A friend of mine recently passed away. He was film maker. He took pride in saying he hadn't worked for anyone else in years. I'm just now starting to imagine what that looks like.

I'm tossing a few things into my God Can -- finances, family / romance, and film success. Somehow, it will all turn out the way it's supposed to -- if I just open up to fate.

No comments: