Independence Day 2006

12:23am on Tues night (Wed) July 4th, 2006.

End of relationship. Fiance moving out. We've had rough patches going on for awhile now, did the whole 'counseling thing' after some really hard times, but it wasn't working out. So now we're going back to single. Wow...

The pain inspires lots of pithy observations. However, since delving into this SUBJECT in a public medium is taboo b/c it's so personal, so I will still do it -- but I'll keep it vague enough and just say things relevant to myself ... or humanity as a whole. HA

  • Love feels AMAZING at first, and PAINFUL at the end. The pain is so intense and unpredictable that it's impressive that no visible physical damage has taken place.

  • On a breakup the darkside 'third person' voice starts talking to me, regardless of my life-successes accumulated so far, saying familiar phrases of teenage years: you are worthless, you'll never have a relationship that can work, you'll never have a family or children, why don't you kill yourself, loser, and do the world a favor, you are an idiot/fool/dick/jerk/loser/ne'erdowell/wuss, you don't deserve to succeed in your dreams, and so on.

  • The expectation of a long-term relationship ending, and the awareness of that life-branch disolving in front of me like a vanishing smokey line, is the core of the pain. If I could just stay in 'zen' mind thinking only of today, the pain would be less.

  • These severe types of pain link to character building and growth. The more I try to ignore, distract, divert, or avoid the pain in unhealthy 'denial' ways, the less growth I will gain. "NO PAIN NO GAIN!" ... damnit!

  • Sharing this time with friends can ease the sensation of pain for hours while I still remain with the feelings and awareness.

  • Sharing this time with parents tends to both not ease the pain, and I get annoyed b/c they want to vicariously understand how I'm feeling.

  • All my patterns (and I have very few anyway) are thrown off, including eating, sleeping, shitting, meditating, praying, thinking, reading, any hobbies, and work.

  • Women suddenly have their magical charm back, in full force, perhaps even more full b/c I'm happy to have a distraction. The trick at this point is to engage but not engage further than is healthy for me right now.

  • My 'game' is off. In fact, I have no 'game' b/c I can't imagine bringing someone into my life right now, or screwing, or even kissing. I don't recall a time when I had no game like this before. Part of my personality is flirtatious ... altho I did still flirt with the hostess at a restaurant, and a government worker. I guess my game is just weakened.

  • I'm taking major strides towards life goals all of a sudden, and suddenly feel very open to possibilities I hadn't considered. (Got my biz licenses yesterday, and was considering getting an MBA at a DeVry affiliate.)

The trick for getting thru this time letting the time pass, trying to treat myself well, trying NOT to placate the pain with TOO much numbing activities, and letting my friends be supportive. And of course, a little extra reliance on my Creative Connection to the DIVINE.

All this shows me more clearly that DIVINE= PEACE= LOVE= CREATION= SERENITY= ABUNDANCE. I recently figured out that what problems I've been having indicated that I need to OPEN MORE FULLY to LOVE in all it's forms. I thought I was open to this, but can see that giving the F-U to Republican coworkers and a disorganized corporate work environment is perhaps not the most effective LOVE message. I'm aiming to move more towards Gandhi's style, with the thought that I can show these people a better way and they probably want a better way too b/c they can see this doesn't work.

Conversely, SELFHATE= VIOLENCE= ANGER= DESTRUCTION= FRUSTRATION= LACK , which are all areas that humans generally don't enjoy focussing on, but haven't received much training on how to avoid these pitfalls... and the answer is focussing on their opposites, above.

Had a brief talk w/some friends about how culture lacks good guidelines/suggestions for behaviors today. In the past, culture suggested (albeit strongly) to abstain from sex before marriage. While today this kind of lifestyle is fairly limiting, it still has a bit of merit b/c followers will avoid STD's and keep abstinant until they find their suitable partner.

But what's needed are REASONABLE suggestions for lifestyles coming from the culture itself (not 'experts' on TV shows) that show examples of health or positive self-treatment, like:
After a bad breakup, it's best to take at least one month and possibly up to half a year off of relationships. This time can be used to healing and self-reflection, and allows people to reconnect to friends and family more deeply as they reground themselves. This time is called the 'love coccoon'. And then maybe we could see examples of people doing this, either in entertainment or politics or film/movie/TV?
But instead, some Satanic marketing major decided that what viewers MOST need to consume is conflict and bad examples. So that's what we get, not good examples. At least the medias' myopic viewing of life leaves a lot of opportunities open for the future generations... If the future generations have the mental stamina to handle the barrage of mediated thought sending negative messages of how to act/behave.

Last comment -- maybe Bush doesn't want to end Global Warming b/c he's trying to help bring about the end of the Earth? The end of life? Judgement Day / Armageddon? I mean, doesn't his religion argue for this to come about? Isn't it just GREAT to have leaders that are inspired to pursue ... DEATH?

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